-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
-
I have tried them all it feels- more dating apps and sites than I care to share but it seems to be the way to date “these days” or so they say. So I go on and off ready to make a relationship work. After a slew of seemingly promising men that went sideways, I was determined to make one work and not be defeated. So I kept going.
And there he was- another beautiful man on Hinge. But this one was different. He was so handsome. Really- someone like that is talking to me? Well, I am not going to stop him. After all, hadn’t I been working for months in therapy to know what my worth was and what I should be able to expect from a man. And there he was delivering. Some get to know you questions. Some hesitations on his end about dating apps.
“You haven’t experienced any scams, have you? That makes me nervous.” He says.
“Oh no,” I said. “Just have your boundaries, know what to ask and don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” I didn’t want to brage but I had my 10,000 hours in online dating and I hadn’t had any problems. Sure, plenty of weirdos but no scams or safety concerns.
So we kept talking and soon had a date on the calendar. A little over a week away- a nice dinner and flowers. Man, this is a great start. I was so excited.
We quickly were absorbed in one another, talking for hours on end each day. He was an investment guy and had his own company. Not an uncommon thing to hear in the dating pool I had been in. He appreciated my career and was supportive when I would share other things I wanted to do in life. We saw things very differently but we could share and learn from each other.
He began teaching me more about his work. Words like “market” “trading cycles” and lots of unfamiliar words were floating around. Soon he then started teaching me more about the meaning of these and how to invest with Crypto. Sounded so cool- and I loved that he wanted me to know about work that much. So then I invested $100 and made $15. Then $1000 and made $180. And he was documenting every bit of the way. He was showing me through screenshots. This is for sure legit. No scammer documents like this… right!?!?! And I see the money in my bank. And we are using crypto and coinbase wallet- all real things.
I can dismiss those thoughts about that Netflix doc I watched.
He had to reschedule our first date because of a work trip and called me to make sure I felt okay about it. He bought me a present, a very sparkly one, to help the blow. I had seen many pictures, I had heard his voice, and he wanted to help me with money.
He soon asked me about what my dream car would be. Soon that would be the focus of the investments- getting me closer to be able to do this.
We continued to bond over some shared life experiences- the good, the bad and the ugly.
We had our rescheduled date on the calendar. And more money to invest online. You put in $20,000 and I will put in $100,000 he advised. This is going to be a really good week.
After lots of push back, he had convinced me that if I didn’t do this I wasn’t showing trust and wasn’t helping our relationship. All these things we wanted to do together? How would we do them if I wouldn’t do my part? With trust assured a million times over, he walked me through a personal loan so I could do my part. And here we go.
Through the next week, I saw exactly what he said would happen. Gains! That’s what he would text me. Gain! Gain! And it was like I could see things happen in front of me like never before. Who was this guy? Handsome. Wealthy. Handsome. Wants the best for me in every way. Isn’t this what I had been taught I “deserve” and should strive for. After all, I had done “the work” on myself to be what I was looking for. I had furthered my education, bought a home, established my career, bought a dog… why would it be too good to be true to think someone like this would be interested in me?
We kept talking. I kept sharing so much of me. He kept sharing more of him. It was everything I had been missing and wanting.
Then it came time to take our money out. I would be able to take my money out, pay back the loan and walk away with $90,000. I was so excited. No way! But sure- people go lucky with investments- isn’t that how so many people made it?!? Okay transfer it to the bank. Taxes? What about the taxes? A message came up saying that I needed to pay $35,000 in taxes to get my money. Okay, sure take that out from my money right there. I would still walk away with $55,000 and taxes make things even more legit. Oh, that’s not an option.
“I don’t understand. Why can’t they just take it?” I said.
“It’s just capital investment. You must not know very much about this.” He responded.
Well, I don’t really like how he said that but true.
“Well, I don’t have that kind of money.” I confessed, “What do I do?”
“Why don’t you have a tax fund? You should know more about your taxes.” He said.
Again, I didn’t like that. This was the first time he was making me feel something I didn’t like. But it isn’t going to be perfect.
“No, because my work takes my taxes out. And I do my own taxes each year. I know what I need to know.” I explained.
And then the reassurances began. It’s okay, we can do this together. You will always be able to count on me. I will always help you.
But I think with how much I put in last time, you need to put in more this time and I can fill in. Sure, I can pull more of my own weight. So, here we go again, another $25,000 personal loan to get my money. And within a few business days- no problem.
Phew! We did it and just like he said, we were able to figure it out. I was out a little more money but I was still coming out with nearly my annual salary. I wasn’t mad about it. And it seemed that as my bank account grew, so did my feelings for him.
Another message. I had typed my account number in wrong and now there was a hold. Really? I knew that number better than my phone number, better than my mom’s phone number, how did I do that? But I guess everyone has their fat thumb moments.
We need you to make a deposit to verify the account. 30% of your earnings.
“I don’t know what to do?” I went to him for support again.
“How did you make such a careless mistake?” He rebutted.
“I don’t know but here we are and I don’t know how to get this. I can’t get any more loans. What do I do?” I was feeling the stress and anxiety build more and more.
“I don’t know.”
What do you mean “Mr. We Can Do Anything”!!! Where are you now? But it was building up more and more that something was very very wrong. He had money in this and I needed to make sure we both got what we needed. He put it on me.
I looked at my phone again. I was out $45,000 and had been controlled. Like a puppet. What do I do!?!?!?!
The first 24 hours
So then I kept looking at my phone, looking at the numbers through blurry eyes. I think I was still seeing what I thought I was seeing. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t keep asking him- something was off. I wasn’t sure what but I didn’t have a way out of what was happening. I had to involve someone else, there was no other way. I was flipping through it in my head. Who could I take to? Someone gentle enough but knows something about money. Pretty much any one in my family. So, I started the calls. Each conversation was prefaced with “I know I am stupid”! Over and over to each person and could hardly get the words out through the tears.
First brother- I don’t know a lot about crypto but it does seem weird. They wouldn’t ask you to deposit this much money. They ask this but only for a dollar or so. And the last sentence is not capitalized. Coinbase Wallet doesn’t make that kind of mistake. Don’t do anything else and I will get back to you.
Next brother- its been a while since I have done crypto but that isn’t how they do taxes. It would be a 1099 form. Send me some of those screenshots. Oh yeah- look, this is where he sent you a fake site. Don’t do anything else and we will get this figured out.
Dad- your brothers are right. This seems to be a fraud. Let me talk to them and see what we need to do next.
Brother in law and sister- here is what you can say to your boss. Yeah, this is is what it should look like. We can help you make calls.
General consensus- This has been a scam, you need to report. You are not stupid and we are going to help you.
So I went to therapy first thing in the morning. This kind of thing can happen to anyone. It is going to be hard. It is going to be okay. Make a list of what you need to do. Go through and collect all the info you have and save it before you cut ties. Maybe watch Tinder Swindler and remember this happens to anyone. You are not stupid. This was not okay. And you will survive and then thrive.
Mom called- “just checking in.”
Bank- filed wire fraud for both loans. “Ma’am, I am so sorry this happened to you. I want you to know I believe in karma and God bless you.”
Family texts- hows it going?
Other sister in law- here is the website you need to file everything with the FBI.
Submit.
The First Week
What had transpired, I learned, is what is called a Romance Scam. And it is just what it sounds like- a scam wrapped up like something beautiful and full of love. The FBI has a whole article about it (https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/safety-resources/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/romance-scams )
I woke up each morning thinking there is no way this really happened. There is no way that this is really my life. But it turns out it was. This was my new reality.
That first week there was a lot of adrenaline and fire in my bones about what happened. I collected all my info and was talking to people about what happened. And then I would have big crashing moments where the world that I once had taken on with joy and confidence just seemed too big. I was determined to not be embarrassed about what had happened. That was why this type of thing perpetuates. Predators and abusers and scammers all count on shame and isolation. So I had to do everything I knew that was the opposite of that. Let me be clear though, this is so not me. But I knew it had to be done. And guess what? People are amazing- I only heard good things and it was all okay.
I was in therapy again and I just couldn’t understand what had happened. And I learned some important words. Victim- what happens first. Survivor- where I was now. Thriver- the seemingly impossible feet ahead of me. But the only option.
So I had to put words to it. I had been scammed and I had to leave an abusive relationship. A cyber bully. A predator. A groomer. A lot of words went through my head, not making any sense yet.
The First Month
This happened to happen during the most wonderful time of the year. Both good and bad. I was busy, surrounded by loved ones and having time off of work. I was able to rest and be distracted. I also crashed mentally and couldn’t face it.
My family had rallied around me and made sure I was okay. And then I was around all kinds of people that loved me or didn’t know my name and had no idea what had just transpired. A kind and brutal reminder that you just never know what someone else is going through.
I also wasn’t hearing back from the bank or FBI due to the holidays but I was okay with that.
I was able to be sad about something that I could also pretend didn’t happen.
Since Then…
I wander around this world now, that I have always known and been comfortable in, feeling like a zombie. I wonder what is real or not. I feel a numbness most of the time. And I don’t know if the alternative is better. Lots of feelings… overwhelming most the time…
There are moments I have to wait to hear back from the bank or something and I seem to forget what happened. It feels so distant and removed from my actual life. Something I won’t actually have to face. Then I will get an update and the world crashes all over me again. I feel stupid about my decisions and hopeless about what might be my way out.
I feel exposed to the world. It is a constant tug of war between having no privacy and not wanting to be alone. I have learned this is a common symptom of betrayal in relationships. I have always been a home body but now I crave the security I have created there. I walk around the grocery store feeling like I am in a dream- not remembering what food is and why I need it. And then have a breakdown in my car after because I feel like I just completed a marathon. Then go back home under the covers for as long as I can.
I feel immense anger. Whoever was on the other end of this had a goal. And the only goal I can come up with is that they were going to ruin my life. How could that be!?! How can you have a human beating heart and do this. I appreciate, though broken, my heart is still here and keeping the humanity in me.
I feel a mix of confusion and regret of how I even ended up in this situation. What if I hadn’t swiped on him? What if that guy before had just kept things going for a little longer? What if I had caught on a little sooner or stood my ground a little stronger? What if I had looked up BitCoin and seen that it was dropping?
I feel so much gratitude for my support system. I have always known I have an incredible family and exceptional friends. But it has been to a new level. I have been enveloped by trusted people in my life. It turns out that no one thinks I am more stupid than myself. They all continue to love and encourage me.
I feel so much heartache for those that don’t have this. That lose so much more than I did. What if I couldn’t have called my brothers right away? What if my dad didn’t have all this knowledge about loans? What if my friends or family weren’t receptive and thought I made a big mistake? What if I didn’t have a house that I have money in? What if the little knowledge I do have didn’t save me when it did?
I feel so much hopelessness about how this might never be over and done. As these ups and downs come, I just sometimes don’t even know what tomorrow brings. I see light at the end but sometimes it is so far and very dull.
I feel a fighting in me to make sure this can’t happen to anyone else. I feel so protective over human kind. I want to make sure this can’t and won’t happen again. I want to tell everyone what has happened and what I have done to help it.
I feel like I have to find out who this is. I want to know who can do this kind of thing. I want to know who I can blame this for. I want to know who I can send law enforcement to. I want to know who else they have victimized. I want to know all about them to see why they would do this.
All this feeling comes and goes. The numbness comes and goes. But this life changing event stays. Each morning it is still here. Each night it is still here. But so am I. And that is why I share this. I hope it can help someone.
Life Goes On
The best thing for me has been to hear other stories. As my therapist had suggested, hearing other stories helps me see the variety of people that are involved in such experiences as well as those that have gone on to do great things. They have continued to live their lives. They have also helped me find words to describe what has happened. Most of these stories have nothing in common with mine but the impact can be the same and the emotions.
The first story I read was “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller.
She was the woman that was raped by the Standford swimmer.
She shows so much strength and dignity in her story telling. She taught me- There is power in sharing names when needed. There is power to talking about what happened. There is power in knowing your worth. She taught me about the system in place and how difficult resolution can be. She taught me that time takes time and eventually it will pass long enough.
I listened to Ana Kendrick’s interview on “Armchair Expert”
She taught me that just because an abusive relationship doesn’t follow the typical trajectory, doesn’t mean it is less than. She taught me that it is back breaking miraculous work to save your own life. She taught me that I wasn’t taught to be better than this, it just happened at no fault of my own. She taught me that this happens to anyone and everyone.
I watched Tinder Swindler…. Multiple times
I had even seen that previously and had thought about it so many time. There were times that something was said and I would think about this to then quickly dismiss what made it different. Those women taught me I don’t need to have shame and embarrassment. They taught me storytelling. I am in constant awe of their bravery in telling this story. I gained gratitude for my physical safety.
I listened to the podcast Something Was Wrong
Sara taught me that there is a reason all this worked- it is everything that we want. When someone goes after a basic human need, things just work better. She taught me how I was swept up. She taught me how I could share with my loved ones to get help. I also learned about reverse Googling something.
Survivors Guide to True Crime
This is a recent podcast and I absolutely love it! These women are incredible. And have so many other resources. They talk about the after math of true crime. and how to do it all justice.
I continue to search out stories and research this new to me world. Words have so much power!
Victim to Survivor to Thriver
There is a whole big long list of words that are part of my vocabulary now that I wish never were. And somehow with these new words, I still struggle to put words to what has happened. There are three words that I probably think about the most- Victim. Survivor. Thriver.
The morning after everything blew up, I went to see my therapist as soon as possible and this spectrum is the main thing she taught me about. She also spoke of the importance of seeing and hearing other stories to see people in these places. And it has stayed with me everyday. That life goes on and how am I going to show up. I could show up as a Victim. I could show up as a Survivor. Or I can show up as a thriver.
I think about victims. It feels horrible to be a victim. It means to the world that something terrible happened to you, something you probably had no control over. And many feel that if you stay in that place, you are not healing or moving on. I think this is where the saying “hurt people hurt people” might come from or self pity or many other “bad” things. But there are days that all I can acknowledge is that something bad happened to me.
But when I feel that- I am breathing. That automatically, in my brain, means I have survived another day. Right!?! There are a lot of songs that talk about surviving. One of my favorites is “Survivin’” by Bastille and the chorus goes as follows-
“So what can I say? I’m survivin’
Just crawling out these sheets to see another day
Oh what can I say? I’m survivin’
And I’m gonna be fine
I’m gonna be fine
I think I’ll be fine…”
This is where I get stuck with survival. My life consists of more day to day, even hour to hour planning than it ever has. It consists of many days that getting out of bed is the win. And that thinking I will be fine is what can drive me.
But then other days I am singing “I Will Survivor” or “Survivor” feeling that the strongest person in the world. Nothing can take me down. Not even $45,000. And then I get a call that I am declined from my next plan and I am crawling out of sheets again. It is really hard to not think of myself as a victim in that moment.
I have also heard people say that they don’t consider themselves survivors. Because they weren’t victims to begin with. It is just part of their story.
So, my conclusion is that I get to decide what it is for me. And each person gets to decide from themselves. I was recently watching “The Girl Who Escaped.” The story of Kara Robinson, a recent hero of mine. She was speaking to a Sargent working on her case talking about being a victim- he mentioned that she had been victimized and should just lay low and give some time before doing anything. Later, she spoke to a different Sheriff about what had happened. He stresses to here that she survived and no one gets to decide what that is for her. So here is what it means to me, at least right now (subject to change, right Kelsea Ballerini?):
Victim- I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else, nothing personal
Surviving- I am functioning. Some days better than others but I am functioning. I have my basic needs met as according to Maslow. Some days I feel like I am really having to fight for these basic needs but I am getting them. And sometimes they come from the people around me.
Thriving-I think this is when I move on to not just basic needs. Maybe when I can think critically again and even rationally. Maybe when I can do things more independently again. But I know that as I surround myself with thrivers, they pull me up. I feel closer to it when I hear those stories, so I will keep listening. And keep putting my story out there.
Its Still Real to Me
Its still real…
When I get a phone call from Wells Fargo Collections every day
When Bankruptcy has been and possibly will be again on the table
Even though I check my e-mail everyday to see no response from the FBI or FTC or Secret Service or some other version of alphabet soup
When I can’t answer unknown phone numbers because I don’t know if he is on the other side of that call again
Even though the police can’t do anything because it is in federal jurisdiction
When I had to change my summer plans because I need to work and don’t have that same trip budget
Even though there is no serious bodily injury
When I sleep with a night light most nights
When I have a headache the rest of the week on a therapy week
When I have to make another med change and I have a major line up of meds each morning to keep me functioning
When I call in sick again because I can’t move I am so tired and worn out
When I fall asleep while teaching because I didn’t fall asleep until 5:00 a.m.- the kids are so nice about it though- we can laugh about this one
When I open a dating app and immediately close it
When the gap between my weight and my credit score keep closing in, we can also laugh about this for now
When I haven’t heard from people in a long time because they don’t know what to say to me
When I apply to the Office of Victims of Crime for some support but get denied because I don’t have some kind of police report
Its also real…
When I get to be surrounded by people that have been something similar and they are fighting with me
When the fraud specialist at the other end of the collections call tells me her belief in karma
When someone reaches out to tell me that I will keep building my capacity
My parents tell me I am not alone in this
When the police can’t do anything but they tell me this is a felony
My cousin texts me saying “Praying real hard for you tonight”
My thought is this…
As a society, we know how to respond to “expected” life struggles. As tragic as they are, we “expect” that someone in our lives will get sick, will pass on, will have a major job change or move, possibly be divorced or unemployed. We have accepted this is part of our reality. And we know what to do when one of those things happen to around us. We take a meal, we write a note, we make a phone call, we send flowers, we send door dash, and on and on… we can be pretty good at this. And as the receiver, you feel seen and part of reality.
But what I have been pushed to think about are these “unexpected” events that happen. And I would say they are happening more and more often in the world today- a global pandemic, increasing racism, fraud, unprecedented gun violence, abuse… whatever the headline of the day is. We don’t know what to do about those things- and it causes distress for everyone- bystanders and victims. We say sorry, we hold our loved ones tight, we offer love and prayers and condolences, we post on social media that week. But since these are “unexpected” turns in the road, we try to ignore them. We say that would never happen to us, we put our head down and keep going, we bask in our privilege, we are grateful for where we live. And in doing so, we push people out that are trying to get back to what is real. And what is real when something bad happens- phone calls, notes, flowers, meals, love, community.
I don’t want these tragedies to start to fall into the “expected” category. But I think we can start to move the reactions in the same categories. Maybe that is part of the answer we are missing. We need to do what we know. We don’t need to decide who is more deserving. We don’t need to assume that they have what they need or their family does. We can call and find out what that event really means to that person. We can say “what do you need” instead of “let me know how I can help.” We can be present for each other, when these unexpected events happen, in expected ways.
How I Survived a Romance Scam 