How I Survived a Romance Scam

Its still real…

When I get a phone call from Wells Fargo Collections every day

When Bankruptcy has been and possibly will be again on the table

Even though I check my e-mail everyday to see no response from the FBI or FTC or Secret Service or some other version of alphabet soup

When I can’t answer unknown phone numbers because I don’t know if he is on the other side of that call again

Even though the police can’t do anything because it is in federal jurisdiction

When I had to change my summer plans because I need to work and don’t have that same trip budget

Even though there is no serious bodily injury

When I sleep with a night light most nights

When I have a headache the rest of the week on a therapy week

When I have to make another med change and I have a major line up of meds each morning to keep me functioning

When I call in sick again because I can’t move I am so tired and worn out

When I fall asleep while teaching because I didn’t fall asleep until 5:00 a.m.- the kids are so nice about it though- we can laugh about this one

When I open a dating app and immediately close it

When the gap between my weight and my credit score keep closing in, we can also laugh about this for now

When I haven’t heard from people in a long time because they don’t know what to say to me

When I apply to the Office of Victims of Crime for some support but get denied because I don’t have some kind of police report

Its also real…

When I get to be surrounded by people that have been something similar and they are fighting with me

When the fraud specialist at the other end of the collections call tells me her belief in karma

When someone reaches out to tell me that I will keep building my capacity

My parents tell me I am not alone in this

When the police can’t do anything but they tell me this is a felony

My cousin texts me saying “Praying real hard for you tonight”

My thought is this…

As a society, we know how to respond to “expected” life struggles. As tragic as they are, we “expect” that someone in our lives will get sick, will pass on, will have a major job change or move, possibly be divorced or unemployed.  We have accepted this is part of our reality.  And we know what to do when one of those things happen to around us. We take a meal, we write a note, we make a phone call, we send flowers, we send door dash, and on and on… we can be pretty good at this.  And as the receiver, you feel seen and part of reality.

But what I have been pushed to think about are these “unexpected” events that happen.  And I would say they are happening more and more often in the world today- a global pandemic, increasing racism, fraud, unprecedented gun violence, abuse… whatever the headline of the day is.  We don’t know what to do about those things- and it causes distress for everyone- bystanders and victims.  We say sorry, we hold our loved ones tight, we offer love and prayers and condolences, we post on social media that week.  But since these are “unexpected” turns in the road, we try to ignore them.  We say that would never happen to us, we put our head down and keep going, we bask in our privilege, we are grateful for where we live.  And in doing so, we push people out that are trying to get back to what is real. And what is real when something bad happens- phone calls, notes, flowers, meals, love, community. 

I don’t want these tragedies to start to fall into the “expected” category.  But I think we can start to move the reactions in the same categories.  Maybe that is part of the answer we are missing.  We need to do what we know.  We don’t need to decide who is more deserving.  We don’t need to assume that they have what they need or their family does. We can call and find out what that event really means to that person.  We can say “what do you need” instead of “let me know how I can help.”  We can be present for each other, when these unexpected events happen, in expected ways.